I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
