Swine flu. Run for my life!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We need a shit load of segways right now
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
