Have you finally orgasmed yet?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Randomize
