sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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