i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Randomize
