My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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