I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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