You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize