So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
