his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
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I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
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I got inside last night via doggy door
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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