Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
