dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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