My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
