I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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