You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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