just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
