Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
