More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I puked a lego.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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