Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
