So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
