Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
