I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
