when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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