if you like me you must not know who I am
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
