I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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