So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
