I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
