I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
