apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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