it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
