Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
