she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
