i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
