I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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