i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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