sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
