dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
