Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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