when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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