Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
