The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
