why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
