I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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