Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
