Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
