I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
