If i could tip my vagina, i would.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
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the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
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Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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