someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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