shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
