Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
