I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
