I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
