the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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