you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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