Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
