I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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