3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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