Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
