Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
