I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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