I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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