At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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