New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
