True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
