so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
