OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
