My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She bit a glass in half.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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